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October 15, 2011

Toast Mortem

by Miss Crank

Toast Mortum – Inn at Hemlock Falls #16

by Claudia Bishop

(Berkley Prime Crime)

Rating: Like Watching Paint Dry

This book had nothing to do with toast. Which means somebody made up the cutesy title as a marketing ploy — probably the editors at Berkley. Do we need another boring mystery with recipes and cardboard characters? The answer is no.

Somebody killed the nasty, unbelievably stereotyped villain, French chef Bernard LeVasque, a cross between Chef Ramsay and Napoleon. He’s so unbelievable, I don’t care when he turns up dead. I don’t care who killed him, either.

There were a mind-numbing 40 characters in this book — too many to keep track of. Most of them were dumb cut-outs who had several motives for the murder, of course, which is the only reason they’re in the story. Quill,  the main character and proprietor of the Inn,  has a very annoying two-year old son, who I could have done without. Ditto for the Maine Coon cat named Bismarck, who was given so much ‘air time’, I thought for a moment he was the murderer.

This novel is touted as another ‘delightful cozy’ from Berkley, which I’m now convinced really means ‘boring as hell, but we at Berkley are too chicken shit to take a chance on something innovative and fresh, and we’re convinced readers don’t mind — hell, throw in a few recipes to placate them and it’s all good.

 

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September 13, 2011

Ashes and Bones

by Miss Crank

Ashes and Bones - an Emma Fielding Mystery

by Dana Cameron

(HarperCollins)

Rating: Wallbanger

I like quirky characters, but the heroine in this story isn’t sympathetic, because she’s too whacked out. The novel begins with Emma Fielding sitting on a cliff, musing about suicide. She describes the churning water below as Aqua Velva. Huh? I have no idea what this means. Does the ocean smell like cheap aftershave? Of course, I know what she meant — the water is blue. But Aqua Velva recently came out with a new line of musk products, which are actually orange in color. The lesson? Be careful with metaphors that are too creative. But I digress.

Apparently, things in her life are perfect. She’s in paradise (Kauai) with the man she loves (her husband Brian), has a tenured position as an archeology professor, several books with her name on it and a house. Still, she’s miserable.

Her husband thinks she’s sleeping too much and depressed. She argues with him and denies it. For a book smart chick she’s acting stupid about her own state of mind. We’re served up a synopsis of the previous novel in this series (which is why I hate series novels) about a former colleague named Tony who was responsible for her friend’s death, and who may or may not be dead himself. Someone is sending her sinister messages in the form of postcards and flowers, and she thinks it might be Tony. But she doesn’t discuss this with Brian, the man she supposedly loves, and we’re not sure why.

We discover Emma is actually nervous because she’s gotten everything she’s ever wanted and everything is working in her life. If I were in this position, nervous is the last thing I’d be. I’d be doing the tango, drinking margaritas and celebrating. So clearly I have nothing in common with this woman, and I’m starting not to care about her story.

Emma feels her husband isn’t taking her seriously and should trust her, and yet she’s not confiding in him. This makes no sense whatsoever, and now I feel sorry for Brian.

They go to bed and she gets up in the middle of the night to go for a walk on the beach, where she gets shot in the stomach. As she lies on the beach bleeding to death, which she describes as ‘kind of neat’, she thinks that it’s a good thing she’s bleeding like a stuck pig on the sand, because if it had happened at home it would be very messy, and quite inconvenient. Yeah, that would be my last thought before I died. That I’m glad the house is still clean. Never mind about my loved ones I’m leaving behind. I find myself glad that somebody shot her.

But alas, it’s only a dream. She is awakened by her husband. Don’t you just love dreams that are more exciting than what’s actually going on in the plot of the story? Emma isn’t relieved that being shot was just a dream. She thinks it would easier if she’d really been shot in the stomach, because then she wouldn’t have to live her perfect life anymore.

I agree with her. Because then the story would be over.

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September 1, 2011

Pampered to Death

by Miss Crank

Pampered to Death- a Jaine Austen Mystery

by Laura Levine

(Kensington)

Rating: Shoot Your Editor

I’m still on my quest for a funny book. This one didn’t cut it. And I don’t think it was the author’s fault.

This author can write, no question. But she needs to be reined in. Her editor failed her.  Her book is about as funny as a clown hitting me over the head with a rubber chicken. Hard rubber. There were too many cliches, too many cartoon characters, unrealistic plot points and major author intrusion. All of these could have been fixed.

The main character’s name is Jaine Austen. Cute. We get it. There’s even a Sir Lancelot. Cute. Yawn.

Too often, the author would yank me out of her story (and I was already looking for reasons not to read further, so this wasn’t a smart move) by talking to me directly with cutesy remarks like “I’ll spare you the details of the ghastly 300 calories posing as dinner…” or doing a book promo for her first novel “his way of thanking me for getting him off the hook for murder (a fascinating tale, which you can read all about in Death of a Trophy Wife, now available in paperback at all the usual places.)”  I don’t want to be marketed by the author while I’m reading the author’s book. At the end of Chapter One, she announces there will be a murder. Thanks for the spoiler. Why not just call me on the phone if you want to talk to me directly?

This author loves to yank the reader’s chain. I didn’t need to be yanked out of an already questionable storyline, but she interrupted the forward momentum of the plot on several occasions by inserting annoying e-mails from her wacko parents about stuff that had nothing to do with the murder mystery, filled with ingratiating humor. Very irritating.

Jaine has an annoying habit of blurting out comebacks which are funny, but she doesn’t actually say them, she just thinks them. It would have been funnier if she’d said them out loud. At least she would have come off as a funny, quirky character. Still a cardboard one, but funnier.

The plot had more holes than Swiss cheese.

Jaine is miffed at her friend for sending her to a fat farm, but stays anyway, even though she’s constantly complaining about it. Newsflash: You can leave anytime.

If a B-list actress was murdered at a spa, the spa would be closed down immediately. The guests would be questioned, then released, and called back in if necessary.

But in this novel, the guests are told by the police they aren’t  allowed to leave. Huh? They continue to use the spa, even though it’s now a crime scene. Has this editor never watched CSI? It’s a no brainer.

Jaine is almost drowned in a jacuzzi, but she still insists on staying to solve the murder. Why? No idea. Doesn’t tell the police. Why? No idea. She’s now approaching TSTL territory (a.k.a. Too Stupid To Live).

This book was described as ‘easy, light, and entertaining’ by a reviewer on Goodreads. Seriously? Is ‘easy and light’ really code for ‘unintelligent and poorly edited’?

I’ve had more entertainment with a piece of bubble wrap.

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August 26, 2011

What Looks Like Crazy

by Miss Crank

What Looks Like Crazy

by Charlotte Hughes

(Jove)

Rating: Like Watching Paint Dry

I picked this book to read because I was expecting it to be funny, since it’s written by self-proclaimed ‘comedy‘ writer Charlotte Hughes, BFF of Janet Evanovich. Well, I didn’t laugh once. Didn’t even smile.

Hughes’ voice is nothing like Evanovich’s. If your writing voice isn’t funny, why bother writing comedy? You can probably come up with a plot with all the ingredients for comedy (ho hum) — a psychologist with a bunch of crazy patients, a perky sidekick, a wacky mom, a soon-to-be ex-husband. But if your writing voice isn’t funny, neither is your novel.

This story felt disjointed, simply a series of vignettes as we are introduced to about a dozen nut job clients that psychologist Kate Holly is treating. Her therapy consists of  questions like ‘How’s your depression?’ Yeah, right. I’ve been in therapy, and believe me, that’s not what they ask. A little research is in order.

The conflict is weak. Here’s a woman in love with her husband, but they’re getting divorced because she’s afraid he’ll die. Now who needs therapy?

Not only that, but as a dog lover, I took exception to the fact that the author allowed Runt the puppy to die. Shame on her. Doesn’t she know you’re always supposed to save the cat? Or the Runt, in this case. I was very upset. This is supposed to be a funny book.

Will somebody please write a funny book? Besides Janet Evanovich? Janet’s getting tired, her stuff’s getting old, can we please have something else? Funny? Please?

 

 

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July 10, 2011

Cherry Cheesecake Murder – a Hannah Swensen Mystery with Recipes

by Miss Crank

Cherry Cheesecake Murder – a Hannah Swensen Mystery with Recipes

by Joanne Fluke

(Kensington)

Rating: Wallbanger

This novel began with a prologue, and I usually hate prologues. But this was pretty good. An interesting character in an intriguing situation, along with a cliffhanger ending. Bravo, I thought, impressed. No wonder this woman publishes so many books.

Then I turned the page.

We’ve now gone back in time two weeks. In other words, all the forward momentum built by the prologue has stopped dead. As dead as the character in the prologue. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I ruin it for you? Oops.

I could handle going back in time if it was absolutely necessary to the plot and picked up where the prologue left off in terms of action and tension. Instead, we find the main character, Hannah Swensen, waking up. Such an exciting activity for a heroine, isn’t it? Not only that, we find out that she’s dreaming about mountains of chocolate chip cookies and Porky Pig. Even more thrilling. Two long paragraphs later, and Hannah is finally awake. Now we’re treated to seven – SEVEN – pages (I’ve downloaded this book, so it’s on my e-reader, so the pages are smaller, but still) about her cat waking up. HER CAT. Yawning, stretching, quivering, shaking, leaping, being fed. A description of the container where the cat’s kibble is kept. I’m not making this up. A description of where Hannah bought the kibble container. A description of what the container is made of. Resin. Hannah has to conceal how she opens this container from the cat, or the cat might figure out how to do it.

Are you bored out of your mind yet? I’m practically suicidal.

Next comes a couple of paragraphs of Hannah pouring herself a coffee, gulping it, and thinking about showering and dressing. Finally back in the kitchen after accomplishing these monumental tasks, the phone rings. It takes Hannah two pages to decide who it might be. She has a conversation with the cat about this.

By the time Hannah finally says ‘hello’, I say ‘buh-bye’. I’m done like dinner. The pacing of this novel is excruciating. I’d rather have my biogel nails pulled off by a sadist beautician.

This author thought she could write an exciting prologue and then write boring drivel while we waited for the story to get going. Shame on her. She should stick to recipes. She’s no good at mystery novels.

This author’s editor thought it was okay to begin Chapter One with backstory, zero conflict, no action (waking up and watching your cat wake up for 15 minutes doesn’t count as action) and no forward momentum. Shame on him.

As for the publishers at Kensington, they’re certifiable if they think this is good mystery fiction. Shame on them.

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July 3, 2011

A Hoe Lot of Trouble – a Nina Quinn Mystery

by Miss Crank

A Hoe Lot of Trouble – a Nina Quinn Mystery

By Heather Webber

(Avon/Harper Collins)

Rating:  An Interesting Diversion

Nina Quinn runs Taken By Surprise, a gardening business. A strange name if you ask me, since some surprises are nasty. Nina’s husband Kevin is a cop and they have recently separated because he got a little too up close and personal with his female partner.  When a friend’s father-in-law is found dead, Nina gets called in to help.  I’m not sure why.  She’s a gardener, not a P.I. That’s never really explained.

This book was well-paced and the author kept me guessing as to ‘whodunnit’, a refreshing change. There were some interesting sub-plots that proved to be useful as red herrings. Other than her tendency to overuse internal monologue, I enjoyed the author’s writing.

But at times the heroine, Nina, approached ‘too stupid to live’ territory. Despite several warnings and almost getting hit by a train, Nina still doesn’t tell her husband the cop what’s happening.  I get that she’s mad at him, but her life is on the line. Hel-lo. She also runs around with her husband’s gun in her waistband. I’m fairly certain the police force frowns on cops’ wives packing heat.

I also could have done without the lesson on how to deal with poison ivy at the end of the book. If I need advice about plants, I’ll buy a book on plants. What is it with authors sticking in recipes, gardening or de-cluttering tips? Who decided it was good idea to attach these things to a mystery novel? It’s dumb, but it’s not the author’s fault. It’s her publisher’s.

Miss Crank

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June 26, 2011

Crunch Time

by Miss Crank

Crunch Time by Diane Mott Davidson

(HarperCollins e-books)

Rating: Wallbanger

This book started off pretty well. Goldy runs a catering company called Goldilocks’ Catering. So cute. Goldy’s friend Yolanda works with her, and is upset about something, and my curiosity is instantly peaked. There are well written passages about the setting (Colorado) that I actually enjoyed and didn’t skim over. A little too much narrative about the weather, but forgivable.

In the middle of this well-paced beginning chapter, I’m suddenly transported into the kitchen, reading a menu about what’s being served at the buffet and how to make Cuban sandwiches. Also on the menu are buffalo chicken wings and potato salad, sliced fruit, Caprese salad served over tossed greens …. wait a minute, I thought I was reading a promising mystery novel. Suddenly I’m in a restaurant. Huh?

The menu ends, and then I’m reading backstory, about who has hired the caterers – the local High School. A couple of long paragraphs about the school, and the fact that Goldy’s son attends, and that he loves fencing.

Okay, now I’m really lost. We get back to Yolanda, but I’m just not in the mood anymore.

Anyone for a Cuban sandwich?

Miss Crank

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June 23, 2011

A Killer Crop

by Miss Crank

A Killer Crop – Book #4 Orchard Series by Sheila Connolly (Berkley Prime Crime: Penquin)

Rating: Wallbanger
Couldn’t get past the sixth page. The beginning consisted of the main character Meg having coffee with her mother, who has shown up out of the blue, which apparently she doesn’t usually do. Meg is concerned. What is going on? (Ooooh, such a unique clue for a mystery novel, why didn’t I think of that?) Then we have a couple of pages of backstory, followed by Meg musing that she hadn’t had time to do exciting things like grocery shopping, laundry or getting her haircut.

Has this author been spying on me, and decided to write a novel about it? My mother sometimes pops in for a visit, too. My thoughts often drift and I think about what I did the day before (if I can remember) and my mundane life consists of thinking, geez, I really need to buy groceries, the wash is piled high and I could use a trim.

What was Berkley Prime Crime thinking? That this is how you hook a reader? Maybe if I had the time and read some more, the story would suddenly become compelling. But I don’t have the time.

I have to do the laundry.

Miss Crank

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